Sunday, July 10, 2011

Day 12: Breaking Free

Posted by Carla B. at 9:41 PM
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Part of my transformation is a 28-Day Breaking Free program, developed by Leanne Ely and JJ Virgin. You can read more about it at the website Saving Dinner.  So, I am now on Day Two (officially) of that program. It's been tough, and there was a point today when I wasn't sure if I would make it.

My oldest stepson turned 19 today, and he came by for some birthday cake. I knew I wasn't strong enough to cook and ice one at home so I just picked something up at the local bakery. It was chocolate decadence - a dark brown, moist chocolate cake topped with a cream cheese and chocolate fudge icing, and then a thin layer of chocolate ganache swirls to decorate. It was all I could do to resist, but I did it! I managed to get through serving and chit-chatting while everyone else indulged. When I did start to feel resistance crumble, I satisfied my need by crunching on about one ounce of almonds. They crunched and gave off a slightly sweet but almost salty flavor which completely took away the desire to devour chocolate cake.

Perhaps in some way I am breaking free from more than food. I feel like I am breaking free from the hold that food has held over me for so long. It wasn't so much denying myself tonight, which I have done through all too many other diets. Tonight it was more liberating, knowing I had a choice. I then made the choice that was best for my body and found something else that really did satisfy. I think in the past I obsessed over what I couldn't have and ended up cheating myself. I couldn't concentrate on anything else with the "can't have" crowding my brain. Tonight, that changed. Rather than a "diet", I am doing something for 28-Days. I realized in less than a month I can walk in there and order a whole cake all for myself if I want to do it. That realization gave me the freedom to walk away and the open space in my brain to think of alternatives. In that sense, it became easier.

I also think that it goes deeper. The main feeling or emotion was that of loss and fear of not having something. I realized I had looked at things from the perspective of "if I choose not to eat this, I won't ever be able to have it again." And somewhere along the way, I think I have made that same association about other things in my life. For the first time in this whole process, I think I am finally seeing signs of a real transformation.

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